Reflections on home old friends, past loves, and feeling like somehow this is it for me.

I sit here at my computer this evening typing out some random thoughts that have been going through my head lately trying to make sense of it all. A few months ago i got the news that Lisa is once again pregnant(as if i didn't learn the first time) and now the most recent developlment is that there is a distinct possiblity that she could be carrying twins. This has forced me to rethink my entire life's path. At tis point i can no longer consider moving back home alone and just try to work out joint custody. If in fact it is Twins that means now i am to be the father of 3 children. I know that for my own purposes i want to be back home, i miss many of the friends that i left behind there as well as the family that my daughter who is nearly 2 years old still is yet to meet. And becasue of work and wanting to be able to provide for my daughter a slew of broken promises to that same group of freind adnfamily about me coming home to visit. I have come to the clear realisation that i may never in fact have the opportunity to move back home, i may neve be able to once again pursue an active freindship with all those that are back in ottawa and that i might as well resign myself to just living with the fact that i think at least for now this is it for me. From this day till the day my kids go on to do great things in their own lives i am stuck here in a city where i have no real friends becasue a) i work to much to bother being able to pursue any form of meaningful relationship with those around me and b) because the majority of my spare time is spent wither fighting with the mother of my children or actually getting the opportunity to ty my best to be a better father to my kids than i had as a child(not my adopted parents, i love you all with all my heart that comment goes out to my birth father, not that he has the intelligence or presence of mind to ever actually use a computer let alone ever read my blog)

THis situation really did not bother me all that much until i signed up for an account on Facebook, do not get me wrong i love facebook and the fact that it has given me the opportunity to network with so many people that i had lost touch with and others that i had for the most part forgotten i had really ever had feelings for. The problem with it is seeing all those freinds that i had left behind all still spending time together and moving on with their lives without me. thus enters my dilema, should i resign myself to being "stuck" here and trying to make due with the happiness of life with my children but the sadness that i will most likely never again have the opportunity to spend time with old freinds any more that mabye once a year when i get some vacation time off from work and can afford the $5000 trip to take me and my kids to ottawa to see everyone, or do i take the chance try and pursue my own hapiness and eventually get caught up in a bitter custody battle that (becasue i am the father and courts rarely side with the father in custody cases) very well lead to me never seeing any of my children ever again, whats more is it fair to my children for me to make that decision selfishly pursuing my own happiness over their wellbeing.

It would be alot easier if i could convince the morther of my children to move back to ottawa with me but is it honestly fair of me to ask her to leave all of her freind and her family just so i can be happy?